here in Newport Beach? Haven't you heard of us? What's
wrong....we have ReHab Homes? You could probably buy a
few for your friends and pals from the East Coast, as
week-end crash pads. It would be a great place to just
veg out between endorsements and prime time spots on
"Entertainment Tonight" or "The View".
How in the world could you ever be caught up in some
dumb drug bong deal "gone bad" in South Carolina? Those
people are real old school....and the only things cool
in South Carolina are their historic architecture, mint
juleps and those lovely "Game Cocks" and Steve Spurrier
who continue to never make it to the big show at the
end of every college football season.
No, Mike....you are prime meat for Newport Beach. Hey,
most of the people that had money on the Newport Coast are
now buried in unending debt. Most of the bigtime, prime
time players are all under indictment or have terrible
divorce issues. Hey, Rodman is gone while Kobe and Tiger
are here. Hey, you might even run into Carly Fiorina at
Trader Joe's on the Newport Coast. You should be attracted
to older women anyway. So sorry Amanda Beard ran off to
get married on you....oh, but you weren't really interested
anyway...huh?
OK, lets talk turkey here Michael. Even though Kellogs has
unceremoniously dumped you....you will always have Nike....
and Subway. In any event, you just need a place where you
can kind of melt into the woodwork....but still have some
very elitist and powerful posers around you. You need some
cool babes too that are impressed by wealth, power and
celebrity. Of course, we know you are no Kanye West or Bobbie
Brown...but hey, you can kind of scoot around the local
Newport Beach gin joints like the "Landmark" in CDM....or
go to private events at the Pacific Club...so you can get
those necessary kudos and the meaningful praise that you so
rightly deserve.
Michael Phelps right here in our town! Wow, how impressive
would that be? If you get busted again...think about it...
you will have a "jury of your peers". Where else could that
happen? Maybe Irvine.....they have lots of swimmers there
too....but no one of the heft of a "Bong Toter", eight Gold
Medal....Michael Phelps.
One last thought...Mikey...we need your mom to move here too.
Think about her being elected to the Newport Mesa School Board
.....what a deal! Zero Tolerance...you've got to love it! Maybe
you could also make a donation to a couple of our NB city council
members...so they can fix up their rental properties! Face it,
Newport Beach has got to be perfect for you!
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